On Crushes and the Likes

So I’m a huge fan of crushes….they enrich my life and fantasy world (in a loving xtian way of course…..im not defensive just saying…………….. ‘grabs halo viciously’)……… I will take this time to say my fantasy world is closer to my 5 yr old cousin’s than my real age of twenty-X………I have many fantasy friends and regular black Ken boyfriends….my alive and breathing friends wonder why I have a fantasy world or fantasy friends, according to them as it is I have too many ‘real’ friends as it is why would I need fake ones, I talk to them , these realimaginary friends and myself on the regular………..dont judge me now…we all have slivers of mania…… but I digress…….;)

Back to my esteemed crushes….im used to them, sometimes I see a hottie and Im like oh this crush should last about 2-3 days after which when the ewure* opens his mouth to start talking about his many sexual conquests, the crush dies a natural death and I look for a new one. In professional school (read law/ medicine/pharmacy, I refuse to specify) there are many fine boys……plenty……so ive not had a dearth of imaginary lovers so this is not the problem, the problem is my current crush

So this fine boy….hot hot specimen is my longest running crush to date, how long you ask…..drum roll………………atilogu dancers do ya thang and …………………………………………thunderous applause- One year!!!. Who has a crush for one year…its actually two but I had one year in between both years where I didn’t like this boy so ive decided not to count it………ive done everything to kill this crush, tried to convince myself that he doesn’t reciprocate but homeboy is always staring at me (how do you explain that eh? ) I cant even like other people as I should because there is a niggling thought that but you want XX…………what is a girl to do……..He is totally inappropriate and I know this-why?? Because ive done this before and I know………………he’s a nice boy but im pretty conservative, there’s a lot I don’t do but why focus on legalities………the point is when I see him, I try to be this free spirited somebody and my inner voice is like babe…..relax now….why are you faking………you know how people fake goody two shoes…mugu like me I’ll be faking ‘badder’ girl, the problem is not oh some girls are good/ bad…………..the problem is that im trying to be someone I’m not and not even enjoying it………….(ill tell you all about this at a later time heehee)………….this is how I know there’s a problem………if im trying to be someone else then……………..

I wont even lie,I go and stalk his facebook page sometimes, ive heard other girls in my class talk about how they have a crush on him too but I refuse to join them….my own na real ‘crushlove’ not their fleeting fancies……Some days I’ll wake up and be like yes today is the day, this crush is over….thank you Lord, then the boy comes to school/work wearing black……yepa…….too sexy…..or send me a text saying, you look very nice today………wicked somebody………I would tell you all the other times when I would talk/date boys that I know in my heart are inappropriate, the kinds you know are going to ‘deal with you’ but for some reason my heart wont learn what my head already knows………….but I wont bore you